Celebrity Blog, Part I

Thanks to you all for your questions. It was so nice to sit down today and not have to puzzle over what to write. If I didn’t choose your question today, never fear. We’ll be doing this again next week! Aren’t you excited? Good – because I need you to send in more questions. Keep 'em coming.

Who is your favorite dwarf and why?

OK, I ‘m assuming that you’re talking about the famous 7 dwarves here. I confess to not really remembering them all, so I went ahead and looked on Wikipedia for a refresher. The seven dwarves are: Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, and Happy. I guess that the only way to pick a favorite is to try to identify with the names. Doc? The boys call me “not really a doctor,” so I guess I’ll scratch that one off the list. Sneezy? Not usually, so I won’t choose him, either. Bashful? Ummm, not exactly. Dopey? I hope not. Happy? Well, down deep, yes, but do I walk around grinning all day long? No. Hmmm. Grumpy and Sleepy – those are two that I can identify with. I think I’ll go with Sleepy as my favorite dwarf.

But here’s an interesting twist! There were lots of dwarves that didn’t make the cut. Here are the others: Blabby, Jumpy, Shifty, Snoopy, Scrappy, Cranky, Dirty, Awful, Silly, Daffy, Flabby, Jaunty, Biggo Ego, Chesty, Bald, Gabby, Nifty, Sniffy, Burpy, Lazy, Puffy, Dizzy, Stuffy, Sleazy, Tipsy, Titsy, and Tubby. This list is much more interesting. If I am going to pick a favorite from this list, I’ll have to do some categorizing before I make a choice.

I am never: Chesty, Bald, Dizzy, Awful, Shifty, Stuffy, Tubby, or Titsy

I am sometimes: Blabby, Jumpy, Snoopy, Scrappy, Cranky, Dirty, Daffy, Flabby, Jaunty, Sniffy, Burpy, Lazy, Puffy, Sleazy, and Tipsy

I am always: Silly, Biggo Ego, Nifty, and Gabby

Of those five, I think I’ll have to choose Biggo Ego, because it is truly the best name I’ve ever heard.

If you could do anything – and I believe you can – what would it be?

I immediately approached this question as a career question, though I’m not sure that’s what you intended. If I could do anything, I would be the next Sarah Vowell. She’s got it made! She sits around and writes clever essays, gets paid to read them on the radio, and occasionally gets to do cartoon voices for hit movies.

In my dream last night, you had given me instructions for a performance that we were giving together; we were supposed to introduce writers to an audience. I was ready for this, until you announced that this was just a rehearsal, which had to do with everyone eating a lot of cake at your house. Also, a set of twin girls about the age of Green and Blue were there, and my husband moved in with your family. Overall, I felt panic. Can you interpret this for me?

Well, of course you are panicked. I spent the whole day bossing you around, and then I went and stole your husband. I hope I at least gave you some of the cake.

What happens when you combine bottomless, strong margaritas, chips, salsa, and guacamole?

Well, first of all I turn into two of those rejected dwarves – Tipsy and Tubby.

Then I start to spill my secrets…

Have you ever been abducted by aliens?

Yes, almost six years ago. Their names are Blue and Green.

Do you wear underwear?

Often.

If you could go back and “do it all again,” would you?

I don’t think so. There are certainly things that would be fun to relive, but I assume that “doing it all again” would involve the bad as well as the good. Plus, ultimately I would want to end up in the same place (but with a bigger house and tighter abs).

If you could go back in time and impart one piece of knowledge to your high school/college self, what would it be?

I’d tell my young self to take a risk. I was always timid in my choices.

Oh yeah, I’d also tell myself to throw away those stirrup pants. What a mistake!

Can you tell me why I am thinking up questions when I should be sleeping?

Because this is so much fun!

Do you budget your family expenses and why?

Not so much. I do a little mental budgeting, though – like, “If I give up Diet Coke for a month, I will be able to buy X.” But then I don’t usually give up the Diet Coke.

How has becoming a mother changed you?

Well, it made me lose YEARS of sleep. I will be at a deficit for the rest of my life.

I also never expected to become REALLY GOOD at sucking boogers out of a baby’s tiny nose with a bulb syringe. It really is an underappreciated skill.

And there’s a whole cavity in my brain that is filled with horrible songs. Do any of you remember the Wiggles? The boys have totally forgotten the show and the characters, but I will be humming “Toot, toot, chugga, chugga, Big Red Car!” throughout eternity.

I have also learned to really value privacy, because I no longer have any. Yesterday I was in the shower, when I suddenly heard the bang and slam of people entering the bathroom. The boys began a deep and animated conversation about ferry boats just inches from the shower curtain. “Hello!?,” I shouted. “Why is there a party in here?” They were still in the room when I got out of the shower, and despite my efforts to conceal myself, Green said, “Mama, you have bumps like a camel.” Fabulous.

But, seriously, I guess I would say that becoming a mother has amplified everything. I find the world so much funnier with the boys in it. I laugh louder, and I scream louder. My capacity for happiness is enormous, as is the potential for grief.

You are so amazing and talented. How do you manage to do it?

Thank you. Thank you. I’d like to thank my manager, my publicist, my personal trainer, and YOU, the fans! Where would I be without my fans?